By: Raymond Hackney
The following is a short film screenplay that parodies the 1996 film Swingers written by Jon Favreau, it is a reimaging of a trip by Jared Ewy and Owen Borseth of Name.com. Owen has since retired and is writing fan fiction, yes that's right the engineering mastermind behind Name.com is writing fan fiction. (We love you Owen)
This was Jared and Owen and their trip to T.R.A.F.F.I.C. in Vegas 2013. If you have not seen Swingers or know who Name.com and Jared Ewy are, I apologize for wasting your time and Tweet @jaredewy for a free domain coupon code.
Owen and Jared Go To TRAFFIC
INT. Name.com conference room- Day
Jared
And what if I don't want to give up on
him?
P'fro
You don't call.
Jared
But you said I shouldn't call if I
wanted to give up on domaining .
P'fro
Right.
Jared
So I don't call either way.
P'fro
Right.
Jared
So what's the difference?
P'fro
The only difference between giving up and
not giving up is if you take his call.
when he wants to call you back. See, you
can't do anything to make him want to
call you back. You can only do things to
make him not want to call you back.
Jared
So the only difference is if I forget
about him or pretend to forget about all the good times
we had building Name.com.
P'fro
Right.
Jared
Well that sucks.
P'fro
It sucks.
Jared
So it's almost a retroactive decision.
So I could, like, let's say, forget about
him and when he calls me back make like I
just pretended to forget about the buy out.
P'fro
Right…or more likely the opposite.
Jared
Right… Wait, what do you mean?
P'fro
I mean first you'll pretend not to care,
but then you will remember people think
you got rich from the buy out and then,
eventually, you really won't care.
Jared
Unless he writes me a big check for my new idea.
P'fro
Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow he
won't come back with a big check.
Jared
There's the rub.
P'fro
There's the rub.
Jared
Thanks, man. Sorry we always talk about
the same thing all the time…
P'fro
Hey man, don't sweat it. I understand I work here
for the beer and the hot women.
INT. Jared'S Home – NIGHT
Owen
(over phone)
Hello?
Jared
S'up Owen?
Owen
Hold on,other line
(returning to line)
That was Caroline. We got two parties lined up
at TRAFFIC. One's for a modeling agency.
Jared
I don't know…
Owen
Listen to me, baby, there are going to be
industry players who want you there.
Jared
Owen, I don't feel like going to Traffic
I got shit to do to get my career restarted…
Owen
Listen to you. I got meetings with a bunch of Venture Capitalists for Spoo.ch
and I'm going. You gotta get out with some industry peeps.You
can't sit home thinking about Bill.
Jared
I don't know…
Owen
I don't know, I don't know- listen to
you. We're gonna have fun. We
gotta get you out of that stuffy
office.
Jared
We're gonna spend half the conference walking
around the Hotel looking for this party
and then leaving cause it sucks, then
we're gonna look for this other party you
heard about. But, Owen, all the parties
they all suck. I spend half
the night trying to talk to some domainer
who's eyes are darting around to see if
there's someone else she should be
talking to. And it's like I'm supposed
to be all happy cause she's wearing a
Go Daddy press pass. Half of them are coupon hunters
who wouldn't be worth the trouble to get them to switch.
They are there for the swag, a tshirt, a keychain,free domains
with ppc income. I'm not gonna be one of those
assholes, kissing their ass to try my Nabber. It's fucking depressing. Some
flipper who gets a chubby for a .99 .com code from a company that isn't half the company Name.com
is,is gonna use me? It makes me want to puke.
Owen
You got it bad, baby.You need Vegas. This conference will be good for you.
Jared
What are you talking about? Its going to suck
Owen
VEGAS.
Jared
What Vegas?
Owen
We're going to Vegas.
Jared
When?
Owen
May 29, Baby.
Jared
You're crazy.
Owen
Relax, I will drive Jared..
Jared
I'm not going to Vegas.
Owen
Shut up- yes you are. We have to go to Cali for a spooch meeting anyway.
cut to:
EXT. Bellagio Las Vegas Nevada – NIGHT
Owen
Look at this place, Jared, We are going to find funding
for spoo.ch and find you leads for any job in the business.
Jared
Just lead me to a bar, I can't believe you talked me into this.
Owen
Look I know you would rather be in Austin on a "Hot Mom" running trail
but this is Vegas.
Jared
I miss Bill, he left and is travelling the globe, the loonies on Twitter
think I cashed out big time, well let me tell you Owen, I didn't.
Owen
I know asshat I work with you remember ?
Jared
Do you think we should talk about Domain Nabber
and how we don't send our catches to auction ?
Owen
Only unless its going to get you a handjob.
Jared
What the Fuck ?
Owen
I don't think Domain Nabber is sexy enough, plus we got spoo.ch
Jared
Yeah well I am sure a lot of nerds here do something else in six seconds
Owen
He's back, now that is the Jared I know and love.
Jared
Yeah they might think you said splooge
Owen
Hahahahahah
INT. Bellagio CASINO – Petrossian Bar – NIGHT
Jared
Are you sure this is our kind of place Owen ?
They have open-faced sandwiches, English tea sandwiches, freshly baked scones with clotted cream,
Baxter's preserves, assorted miniature pastry delicacies and teas imported from around the world.
Owen
Stop reading the menu, its the Bellagio Jared we are not going to find ten cent beers and 50 cent shots
A very attractive European woman approaches Jared and Owen
European Woman
You are American No ?
Owen
We are American but we are married
Jared
Well what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
European Woman
I wanted to know if its easy to score here
(Owen whispers to Jared, "I think she is a whore")
Jared
How easy do you want it to be ?
European Woman
Well I have 3000 Euros to get started
(Owen whispers to Jared again, "Oh shit she thinks we are gigolos)
Jared
What did you have in mind ? 3000 Euros is a nice number
European Woman
Well I hear good things about the Germans
Jared
The Germans ? We are not German
European Woman
What is it called the .de extension ?
Owen
Oh you have 3000 Euros to start buying domains
European Woman
Yes, what did you think I meant ?
Jared
We thought you meant domains, can I interest you in my nabber ?
European Woman
No Thank you, I will go and find Morgan Linton
Owen
Look man we got to get out of here and find out where the players are
cut to:
INT. Casino Floor – Bellagio Casino -Night
Jared
Oh look the money wheel
Owen
You always bet on the Bellagio, its 45 to 1
Jared
There is only one spot on the wheel, let's play the $5 and $2 that is the smart play
Owen
We came here for the big time, not nickel and dime.
Jared
Yeah we are standing at the money wheel, this is the big time.
Owen
Ok well I have one $50 chip I found on the floor, on Bellagio it goes
(Wheel spins and lands on Bellagio, Owen wins $2250)
Owen
Yes, I told you Jared, think big, win big
Jared
Rest of this trip is on you, even if we get a whore
Owen
We are not really getting a whore are we ?
Jared
No, but I feel better knowing that if we did, it would be on you.
Owen
Let's go to The Bank, that's where the action is here
Jared
You think they are going to notice two aging hipsters like us ?
Owen
Oh they are going to notice Jared.
INT. Bellagio – The Bank, NightClub – Night
(The Boys walk up to the hostess and ask for a table)
Hostess
So what do you guys do ?
Jared
I am the community evangelist for Name.com
Hostess
You are the community what ? Are you on TV asking for money ?
Scamming little old ladies out of their pension check ?
Jared
No, community evangelist, I spread the word of Name.com
Hostess
So what do you do handsome ?
Owen
I am a movie producer, technologist and I once was a stand in for Ben Stiller, from the back.
Hostess
Nice, so do you and your con artist friend want bottle service ?
Jared
Yeah, because my handsome friend as you called him hit
for $2250 with $50 he found that some old lady dropped on the floor.
Owen
We don't need bottle service, we will go to the bar.
Hostess
Have a good night handsome
Jared
What about me ?
Hostess
Stop ripping off old ladies.
(The boys move to the bar)
Jared
I want to get out of here, I still can't believe Bill has not called me
since he sold the company.
Owen
He is a busy guy, he will call when he has the time.
Jared
Put the yoga mat down and call, its easy.
Another patron at the bar turns to Owen
Patron
What do you do ?
Owen
I am the creator of spoo.ch. What do you do ?
Patron
I am the managing partner of Douchebag Partners a VC firm in Reno
Jared
There is a real hot bed of VC activity, Reno. Las Vegas' ugly kid brother.
Patron
We got money to invest, what does splooge was it ? do ?
Owen
Spooch, Its like Vine for voice.
Patron
Here is my card, when you get home, let's talk
Owen
Great
Patron
Does it bother you if our money came from prostitution ?
Jared
Isn't that where all VC money comes from ?
Patron
Touche, bald man, Touche. You know besides VC we also handle talent,
if your act is fresh maybe we can get you to host the Adult Video News
awards next year.
Jared
That would be sweet, I already have my agent working on that on Twitter.
Patron
We can get that done.
(Jared and Owen leave The Bank and go to their room)
Owen
Dude, Douchebag Partners is going to fund spooch I know it.
Jared
And they are going to get me to host the AVN's, I think I got wood.
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT ROAD – DAY
Owen
That was a great conference Jared, things are looking up
Jared
Yeah and I stole 3 robes, things are really looking up Owen.
CUT TO:
INT. Name.com Offices- DAY
(phone rings)
Jared
Hello
Bill Mushkin
Jared its Bill Mushkin, sorry I have been travelling a lot, how are you ?
I want to work with you again, on another idea.
Jared
Bill, how are you, you know that's funny I had an idea for a new kind of registrar
and wanted to….
(other line clicks in)
Jared
Hello ?
Owen
Jared, its Owen, I am in Reno. Douchebag Partners is going to fund Spooch
and they got you the hosting gig for the 2014 AVN Awards, you and Samantha Saint.
Jared
Wow, are you kidding me ?
Owen
No we got funding and the AVN award show, are you on the other line ? Call me back
Jared
No I want to talk to you, let me get rid of the other line.
(Clicking back over to Bill Mushkin)
Jared
Bill can I call you back?
Bill Mushkin
Jared I am calling from India, waiting for a plane,
can't you talk until my plane comes ?
Jared
I would love to Bill, but I got a date with Samantha Saint.
(Hangs up on Bill and clicks back over to Owen)
Jared
I am packing now and coming to Reno, Owen, see you in a little bit.
CUT TO:
INT. Caroline Temple's Office- Name.com - DAY
(Caroline to a running Jared yells)
Caroline Temple
Without me pushing spoo.ch on Twitter you guys would be nothing,
make sure you have my share in cash
Jared smiles as the CAMERA PULLS BACK from the hallway and
The soundtrack kicks in with The Bare Naked Ladies "If I Had A Million Dollars"….
Oh man Swingers was just on HBO tonight you are my hero, that shit was great.
I don’t want a coupon for a domain but I want a new pair of pants, I fucking pissed my pants reading this.
great movie, the scene where Mikey keeps calling the girl, nikki I think, that was the funniest stuff. loved your parody,and I see Morgan Linton who is my favorite domainer ever was in the script.
Your Money Baby