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Jared and Owen Go To T.R.A.F.F.I.C.

December 29, 2013 by Raymond Hackney

By: Raymond Hackney

The following is a short film screenplay that parodies the 1996 film Swingers written by Jon Favreau, it is a reimaging of a trip by Jared Ewy and Owen Borseth of Name.com. Owen has since retired and is writing fan fiction, yes that's right the engineering mastermind behind Name.com is writing fan fiction. (We love you Owen)

This was Jared and Owen and their trip to T.R.A.F.F.I.C. in Vegas 2013. If you have not seen Swingers or know who Name.com and Jared Ewy are, I apologize for wasting your time and Tweet @jaredewy for a free domain coupon code.

Owen and Jared Go To TRAFFIC


INT. Name.com conference room- Day

Jared

And what if I don't want to give up on
him?

P'fro

You don't call.

Jared

But you said I shouldn't call if I
wanted to give up on domaining .

P'fro
 
Right.

 Jared

So I don't call either way.

P'fro

Right.

Jared

So what's the difference?

P'fro

The only difference between giving up and
 not giving up is if you take his call.
 when he  wants to call you back.  See, you
 can't do anything to make him want to
 call you back.  You can only do things to
 make him not want to call you back.

Jared

So the only difference is if I forget
about him or pretend to forget about all the good times
we had building Name.com.

P'fro

Right.

Jared

Well that sucks.

P'fro

It sucks.

Jared

So it's almost a retroactive decision.
So I could, like, let's say, forget about
him and when he calls me back make like I
just pretended to forget about the buy out.

P'fro

Right…or more likely the opposite.

Jared

Right…  Wait, what do you mean?

P'fro

I mean first you'll pretend not to care,
but then you will remember people think
you got rich from the buy out and then,
eventually, you really won't care.

Jared

Unless he writes me a big check for my new idea.

P'fro

Ah, see, that's the thing.  Somehow he
won't come back with a big check.

Jared
 
There's the rub.

P'fro

There's the rub.

Jared

Thanks, man.  Sorry we always talk about
the same thing all the time…

P'fro

Hey man, don't sweat it. I understand I work here
for the beer and the hot women.

INT.  Jared'S Home – NIGHT
                         
Owen
(over phone)
 Hello?

 Jared

 S'up Owen?

 Owen

Hold on,other line
(returning to line)
That was Caroline.  We got two parties lined up
 at TRAFFIC.  One's for a modeling agency.

Jared

I don't know…

Owen

Listen to me, baby, there are going to be
industry players who want you there.

Jared

Owen, I don't feel like going to Traffic
I got shit to do to get my career restarted…

Owen
Listen to you.  I got meetings with a bunch of Venture Capitalists for Spoo.ch
and I'm going.  You gotta  get out with some industry peeps.You
can't sit home thinking about Bill.

Jared

I don't know…

Owen

I don't know, I don't know- listen to
you.  We're gonna have fun.  We
gotta get you out of that stuffy
office.

Jared

We're gonna spend half the conference walking
around the Hotel looking for this party
and then leaving cause it sucks, then
we're gonna look for this other party you
heard about.  But, Owen, all the parties
they all suck.  I spend half
the night trying to talk to some domainer
who's eyes are darting around to see if
there's someone else she should be
talking to.  And it's like I'm supposed
to be all happy cause she's wearing a
Go Daddy press pass.  Half of them are coupon hunters
who wouldn't be worth the trouble to get them to switch.
They are there for the swag, a tshirt, a keychain,free domains
with ppc income.  I'm not gonna be one of those
assholes, kissing their ass to try my Nabber.  It's fucking depressing. Some
flipper who gets a chubby for a .99 .com code from a company that isn't half the company Name.com
is,is gonna use me?  It makes me want to puke.

Owen
                       
You got it bad, baby.You need Vegas. This conference will be good for you.

Jared

What are you talking about? Its going to suck

Owen

VEGAS.

Jared

What Vegas?

Owen

We're going to Vegas.

Jared

When?

Owen

May 29, Baby.

Jared

You're crazy.

Owen

Relax, I will drive Jared..

Jared
 
I'm not going to Vegas.

Owen

Shut up- yes you are. We have to go to Cali for a spooch meeting anyway.

                                             
cut to:
EXT.  Bellagio Las Vegas Nevada – NIGHT

Owen

Look at this place, Jared, We are going to find funding
for spoo.ch and find you leads for any job in the business.

Jared

Just lead me to a bar, I can't believe you talked me into this.

Owen

 Look I know you would rather be in Austin on a "Hot Mom" running trail
 but this is Vegas.

Jared

I miss Bill, he left and is travelling the globe, the loonies  on Twitter
think I cashed out big time, well let me tell you Owen, I didn't.

Owen

I know asshat I work with you remember ?

Jared

Do you think we should talk about Domain Nabber
and how we don't send our catches to auction ?

Owen
 
Only unless its going to get you a handjob.

Jared

What the Fuck ?

Owen

I don't think Domain Nabber is sexy enough, plus we got spoo.ch

Jared

Yeah well I am sure a lot of nerds here do something else in six seconds

Owen

He's back, now that is the Jared I know and love.

Jared
 
Yeah they might think you said splooge

Owen

Hahahahahah

INT. Bellagio CASINO – Petrossian Bar – NIGHT       

Jared

Are you sure this is our kind of place Owen ?
They have open-faced sandwiches, English tea sandwiches, freshly baked scones with clotted cream,
Baxter's preserves, assorted miniature pastry delicacies and teas imported from around the world.

Owen

Stop reading the menu, its the Bellagio Jared we are not going to find ten cent beers and 50 cent shots

A very attractive European woman approaches Jared and Owen
            
European Woman

You are American No ?

Owen

We are American but we are married

Jared

Well what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

European Woman

I wanted to know if its easy to score here

(Owen whispers to Jared, "I think she is a whore")

Jared

How easy do you want it to be ?

European Woman
 
Well I have 3000 Euros to get started

(Owen whispers to Jared again, "Oh shit she thinks we are gigolos)

Jared

What did you have in mind ? 3000 Euros is a nice number

European Woman

Well I hear good things about the Germans

Jared

The Germans ? We are not German

European Woman

What is it called the .de extension ?

Owen

Oh you have 3000 Euros to start buying domains

European Woman

Yes, what did you think I meant ?

Jared

We thought you meant domains, can I interest you in my nabber ?

European Woman

No Thank you, I will go and find Morgan Linton

Owen

Look man we got to get out of here and find out where the players are

cut to:
INT. Casino Floor – Bellagio Casino -Night

Jared

Oh look the money wheel

Owen

You always bet on the Bellagio, its 45 to 1

Jared

There is only one spot on the wheel, let's play the $5 and $2 that is the smart play

Owen

We came here for the big time, not nickel and dime.

Jared

Yeah we are standing at the money wheel, this is the big time.

Owen

Ok well I have one $50 chip I found on the floor, on Bellagio it goes

(Wheel spins and lands on Bellagio, Owen wins $2250)

Owen

Yes, I told you Jared, think big, win big

Jared

Rest of this trip is on you, even if we get a whore

Owen

We are not really getting a whore are we ?

Jared

No, but I feel better knowing that if we did, it would be on you.

Owen

Let's go to  The Bank, that's where the action is here

Jared

You think they are going to notice two aging hipsters like us ?

Owen

Oh they are going to notice Jared.

INT. Bellagio – The Bank, NightClub – Night

(The Boys walk up to the hostess and ask for a table)

Hostess

So what do you guys do ?

Jared

I am the community evangelist for Name.com

Hostess

You are the community what ? Are you on TV asking for money ?
Scamming little old ladies out of their pension check ?

Jared

No, community evangelist, I spread the word of Name.com

Hostess

So what do you do handsome ?

Owen

I am a movie producer, technologist and I once was a stand in for Ben Stiller, from the back.

Hostess

Nice, so do you and your con artist friend want bottle service ?

Jared

Yeah, because my handsome friend as you called him hit
for $2250 with $50 he found that some old lady dropped on the floor.

Owen

We don't need bottle service, we will go to the bar.

Hostess

Have a good night handsome

Jared

What about me ?

Hostess

Stop ripping off old ladies.

(The boys move to the bar)

Jared

I want to get out of here, I still can't believe Bill has not called me
since he sold the company.

Owen

He is a busy guy, he will call when he has the time.

Jared

Put the yoga mat down and call, its easy.

Another patron at the bar turns to Owen

Patron

What do you do ?

Owen

I am the creator of spoo.ch. What do you do ?

Patron

I am the managing partner of Douchebag Partners a VC firm in Reno

Jared

There is a real hot bed of VC activity, Reno. Las Vegas' ugly kid brother.

Patron

We got money to invest, what does splooge was it ? do ?

Owen

Spooch, Its like Vine for voice.

Patron

Here is my card, when you get home, let's talk

Owen

Great

Patron

Does it bother you if our money came from prostitution ?

Jared

Isn't that where all VC money comes from ?

Patron

Touche, bald man, Touche. You know besides VC we also handle talent,
 if your act is fresh maybe we can get you to host the Adult Video News
 awards next year.

Jared

That would be sweet, I already have my agent working on that on Twitter.

Patron

We can get that done.

(Jared and Owen leave The Bank and go to their room)

Owen

Dude, Douchebag Partners is going to fund spooch I know it.

Jared

And they are going to get me to host the AVN's, I think I got wood.

CUT TO:
EXT.  DESERT ROAD – DAY                                         

Owen

That was a great conference Jared, things are looking up

Jared

Yeah and I stole 3 robes, things are really looking up Owen.

CUT TO:
INT.  Name.com Offices- DAY                                         

  (phone rings)

Jared

Hello

Bill Mushkin

Jared its Bill Mushkin, sorry I have been travelling a lot, how are you ?
I want to work with you again, on another idea.

Jared

Bill, how are you, you know that's funny I had an idea for a new kind of registrar
and wanted to….

(other line clicks in)

Jared

Hello ?

Owen

Jared, its Owen, I am in Reno.  Douchebag Partners is going to fund Spooch
and they got you the hosting gig for the 2014 AVN Awards, you and Samantha Saint.

Jared

Wow, are you kidding me ?

Owen

No we got funding and the AVN award show, are you on the other line ? Call me back

Jared

No I want to talk to you, let me get rid of the other line.

(Clicking back over to Bill Mushkin)

Jared

Bill can I call you back?

Bill Mushkin

Jared I am calling from India, waiting for a plane,
can't you talk until my plane  comes ?

Jared

I would love to Bill, but I got a date with Samantha Saint.

(Hangs up on Bill and clicks back over to Owen)

Jared

I am packing now and coming to Reno, Owen, see you in a little bit.

CUT TO:
INT.  Caroline Temple's Office- Name.com -  DAY
     
(Caroline to a running Jared yells)
                                                 
Caroline Temple

Without me pushing spoo.ch on Twitter you guys would be nothing,
make sure you have my share in cash

Jared smiles as the CAMERA PULLS BACK from the hallway and

The soundtrack kicks in with The Bare Naked Ladies "If I Had A Million Dollars"….

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Filed Under: Comedy

About Raymond Hackney

Raymond Hackney has been involved with domain names since 1997. One of the most prolific writers in the domain industry and founder of TLDinvestors.com and 3Character.com

Comments

  1. California Dreaming says

    December 29, 2013 at 1:13 am

    Oh man Swingers was just on HBO tonight you are my hero, that shit was great.

  2. Jeff Spicoli says

    December 29, 2013 at 1:20 am

    I don’t want a coupon for a domain but I want a new pair of pants, I fucking pissed my pants reading this.

  3. Roxy says

    December 29, 2013 at 1:40 am

    great movie, the scene where Mikey keeps calling the girl, nikki I think, that was the funniest stuff. loved your parody,and I see Morgan Linton who is my favorite domainer ever was in the script.

  4. Vince V says

    December 29, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Your Money Baby

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